


(Un)Faithful

by creepyjuliet96



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Jim is the housewife, M/M, Marriage, Spock is rich businessman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-16 16:56:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10575552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creepyjuliet96/pseuds/creepyjuliet96
Summary: Ever since he got a new secretary, Spock had been coming home late. Jim was worried.Is Spock being unfaithful to him?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is very AU spirk story without any element of species, alien, galaxy or Starfleet issue. So yeah. Just be ready.

Original work from this [story](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1109966). So, credit and big thanks belong to [the real author](http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/840795)

* * *

 

 

Spock and Jim had been happily married for three years. They’ve known each other since college but only started dating two years after graduation. Spock popped the question 17 months into their relationship and Jim said yes with teary eyes. They got married 4 months later in a private ceremony only attended by close friends and family.

Three years later and Jim still felt like he was living a dream.

Spock wasn’t talkative, he didn’t say much, but his actions conveyed everything. He rarely said ‘I love you’, but every night before he went to sleep, Spock would kiss his forehead, both of Jim's cheeks and lastly his lips. When he woke up in the morning, he did the same thing again before whispering a sleepy good morning and started his day.

Spock wasn’t much for talking, but whenever they’re in public, he would always touch Jim. He held Jim’s hand, or placed his palm at the small of Jim’s back. When they were sitting, he would rest his knee against Jim’s. Their elbows often knocked together.

In the comfort of their luxurious penthouse, Spock became a cuddle monster. The only times he didn’t attach himself to Jim like a limpet was when he needed to go to the bathroom or when he was working on his home office.

Jim was okay with this kind of Spock, in turn; he said plenty of ‘I love you’ for the both of them.

Then the first anxiety came.

Jim was hanging out with his friends, the usual cliques of rich wives (or in his case, husband) of San Francisco. Jim wasn’t overly fond of them, but being the spouse of one of San Francisco’s successful businessmen came with some responsibilities and expectations. So they got together once a month to have tea and gossiped.

The get together went quite well, until the topic of Mrs. Reine came up. She was absent from this month’s meeting and Mrs. Swan told them in a hushed whisper that Mrs. Reine was ‘unwell’. She caught her husband cheating with his secretary. She was angry and confronted her husband about it, only to be disappointed by her husband’s response. He mocked her and said that this wasn’t the first time he cheated nor would it be his last. He told her that she should just shut up, turned a blind eye and enjoyed his money. A divorce was also put on the table and he let her chose for herself.

How Mrs. Swan came to know about all the details wasn’t clear to Jim, but at the word ‘secretary’, Jim felt his gut twisted up.

Just three weeks ago, Spock had gotten a new secretary. His last one, Pavel Chekov, resigned because he decided to move to the Canada with his beau. Spock had mentioned it in passing to Jim and Jim harrumphed a bit, he had liked Chekov. In Jim’s opinion, the little man was dynamite.

Jim had asked about Spock’ new secretary, and the CEO replied nonchalantly.

“She was adequate. But it is only been a few days. Let’ see if she can handle her workload as good as Pavel.”

Jim didn’t think much of it at the time. But now he had his doubts.

Because lately, Spock had been coming home late.

Usually, Spock would be home before nine, no matter how busy he was, but for the past week, he always came home close to midnight. When Jim asked him, Spock had an apologetic smile on his face.

“I am sorry, Jim. But I have a big project on hand. We have an upcoming contract with a Japanese based company and I want to make sure everything goes smoothly. Our company has a lot riding on this one.”

Jim nodded his understanding and held on Spock tightly.

“Good luck on the project. I’m sure you’ll bag this one.” He said encouragingly.

“Thank you.” Spock answered and held him tighter.  

 

*****  

 

Jim wanted to believe in Spock but Mrs. Reine’s story was slowly making him uncomfortable. He never had any reason to doubt Spock before, but a big project just as he got a new secretary? Coming home late ever since he got a _female_ secretary? Jim couldn’t swallow it.

So he tried to find another sign that Spock was hiding something from him. He tried to look for shifty behaviors and tiny marks on Spock’ body that wasn’t left by him. So far, he didn’t find any, Spock was still the same Spock, few in words, abundant in gestures. But it still wasn’t enough to quell his growing anxiety.

One day, it came to him like a slap. He was going through the dirty hamper, looking for his grey suit jacket because he left some name card on the pocket. And he came across Spock’ dress shirt. It had a little pinkish stain just below the collar, and when Jim brought it closer to inspect it, he caught a whiff of unfamiliar perfume. _A_   _woman’s perfume._

Jim threw the shirt like it burned him. He stared with wide eyes in shock and disbelief. His chest began hurting and he realized that he was gasping for breath.

‘This can’t be! No! NO! This can’t be!’ He internally panicked.

But the evidence was there, and Jim crumpled in on himself.

Jim managed to compose himself and pretended that nothing happened. Later that night, he kept from flinching when he felt Spock slid in to bed and did his ritual kisses. Either Spock didn’t notice or he didn’t care that Jim was silent and stayed stiff as a rock. Spock snuggled into Jim some more and in minutes he was asleep, leaving a bewildered Jim awake.

The next day, Jim still kept up appearances. He let Spock kissed and hugged him, although he didn’t reciprocate. Once Spock walked out the door, Jim scrambled to the bathroom and heaved into the toilet bowl. The thought of Spock’ hands and lips on someone else’s body was too much to bear.

Jim spent the day in a sort of trance, going through the motions automatically while his mind raced with the whys and hows.

When nine o’clock rolled around and Spock hadn’t come home, Jim picked up the phone and called him, something that he never done before. But Spock’ didn’t answer and he was connected to the voice mail instead. With trembling fingers, Jim dialed the office phone.

A woman, the secretary no doubt, greeted him. The blonde’s gripped harder on his phone as his mind registered her breathy voice.

“I need to speak with my husband.” He said to the receiver.

“I’m sorry sir, but to whom am I speaking?” She asked.

Jim gulped. “I’m James Grayson, and I’m calling for my husband.”

“I’m very sorry sir Mr. Grayson, but CEO Grayson is having an important international conference call. He can’t be bothered at the moment.” Her tone was dismissive and not in the least bit apologetic.

Jim clenched his teeth and rudely hang up. He couldn’t deal with this right now. He was still too raw. Spock never, ever, ignored his call. No matter how busy he was, he would always make time for Jim. Even if he couldn’t get through Spock’ cell, Jim only had to call the office phone and Chekov would always connect his call.

This was the first time Spock rejected his call. And the thought that Spock stayed in his office so late in the night with his secretary made Jim dizzy. Jim took a deep breath to calm his panicking self. His doubts and fears were festering and he had to do something soon. He didn’t think he could take another day of this suffocating anxiety.

The next morning just before Spock left for work, Jim gathered his courage and asked him.

“Will you be late again tonight?”

Spock smiled apologetically and caressed the blonde's cheek.

“Most likely.” He answered. “Do not wait up for me.” He said before stepping into their private elevator.

Jim only nodded.

That night, Jim went to Spock office with a heavy heart. He didn’t want to cause a scene, but if he caught Spock in the act, then he could find closure, not to mention that he would be justified for any fight that might ensue.

He smiled to the night guard who recognized and bowed to him, as he made his way across the lobby and went to the CEO’s lift. He flashed his card on the reader and the door opened up for him. Walking inside the car, he felt like walking into his coffin. He pressed the button for Spock’ floor and wiped at the sweat gathered at his temple.

When the bell dinged and the door opened, Jim needed a few second to compose himself before he came out. His sneakers made soft sound as he walked along the marble hallway into Spock’ office. Then he heard it, the click clack of high heels.

His courage took that moment to abandon him and Jim found himself scurrying to hide behind the reception desk. He peeked from around the desk’s edge and immediately wished that he hadn’t.

The woman, secretary his mind supplied, he saw was beautiful. She had long honey brown hair which curled around her shoulder. She had smoky eyes make up and her lips were painted red. But the one thing that killed Jim was her perfectly manicured fingers, buttoning up her open blouse as she walked to the elevator.

Jim caught a glimpse of her generous and when she passed him, he could see her full bottom and supple thighs. Her skirt had ridden up and she fixed it after she was done with her blouse. She was curvy and curvaceous. And Jim would never have that.

Once she was inside the elevator, Jim slowly crawled out of his hiding. His knees wobbled as he made his way to Spock’ office. The door was slightly open and through the gap, Jim could see Spock. His husband was sitting back on his chair, eyes closed and lips slightly opened; tiny pants escaped the small mouth. His hair was mussed and his suit and tie was nowhere to be seen. The top two button of his dress shirt was undone and Jim felt his whole world crumble.

He didn’t make it in time to see for his own eyes, but the sight of the aftermath was just as heartbreaking.

Jim turned around, swallowing a choked sob down and ran to the elevator.

Spock had cheated on him. Spock had _cheated_ on him.

 

***** 

Jim thought he was brave enough to confront Spock, but three days had passed since that night and Jim hadn’t mention anything. He wanted to, but for the life of him, he just couldn’t. His mind keep repeating the scene of her walking out of Spock’ office, barely dressed and his imagination supplied the rest.

Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was Spock on his chair with that woman on top of him.

Before he decided to go to Spock’ office, he had practiced what he would say. He would demand Spock to stop and apologize. He would demand Spock to never make the same mistake again or he would leave. Divorce was an option Jim was willing to take. He had put his trust in Spock, and Spock took it for granted. He wouldn’t hesitate, because even if it was nice to live in the lap of luxury, he had no need for it. He needed Spock’ love and attention more than all the material he could get. He didn’t need Spock’ money; he needed Spock’ heart and soul.

Jim had psyched himself up to talk to Spock about his affair. He gave himself a pep talk, rehearsing what he would say over and over again. Scripting scenarios in his mind of how their talk would go down. Preparing answers and questions, accusations and demands for explanations. He prepared rebuttals for every excuses Spock might had, hardening his heart so he wouldn’t cry or break down in the middle.

But then Spock came home and Jim’s resolve would turn into dust. He would take one look at Spock’ brown eyes and whatever speech he had would die down in .It didn’t help that Spock acted like nothing happened. He still treated Jim the way he used to, with care and adoration. Jim should’ve called Spock out on his deception, but the part that still loved Spock won out every time. At the end of the day, Spock still came home and sleep in their bed with Jim in his arms.

Jim was disgusted with both Spock and himself. He was livid; he was hurt, sad and disappointed, more so toward himself, because no matter how hard he tried to act brave and tough, in the end he acted just as cowardly as Spock. Hiding behind a façade of false contentment just to try and prolonged an illusion of a happy marriage. Jim shroud himself in ignorance and denial, wanting to leave but choosing to stay.

He purposefully acted cold toward the other man. But it only killed him when Spock didn’t even notice that Jim barely looked at him, barely returned his touch and kisses. He was too busy and seldom home to realize the changes in Jim.

Jim wanted to end everything, but the glint of his wedding ring made him remembered all those happy times he shared with Spock, back before that woman came and took Spock away, back when Jim was still Spock’ one and only. One night, Jim had had enough and he started to pack his bags, only to broke down in tears and unpacked again half an hour later. He went to sleep crying and Spock didn’t even notice the tear stain on his cheeks as he kissed him goodnight.

Two weeks of torturing himself, Jim finally said something to Spock.

“Since you’ll be late tonight, can I go out for a drink with my friends? It’s been lonely here.”

Spock looked at him with a flash of guilt that churned Jim’s stomach. The taller man came up to Jim and enveloped him in a hug.

“I am sorry, Jim." He whispered to Jim’s blonde hair.

‘Apparently not sorry enough to stop fucking her.’ Jim thought to himself.

“Sure. You should have some fun with your friends. Just be careful and do not drink and drive. Grab a cab if you have to.” Spock said and continued with his routine kisses.

Jim nodded and let him, the warmth he used to feel whenever Spock kissed him had been replaced with a cold slide of disgust along his spine. His disgust at Spock’ pretense twined with his disgust at his own pretense, creating a thorny rope of resentment, wrapped around his heart and made it hard to breathe.

When the sun set, Jim clothed himself in ripped jeans, see through shirt and leather jacket. He laced up his Doc Marten boots, gelled his hair up and applied light make up, heavy kohl and clear lip gloss. He grabbed his wallet and took off his wedding ring before he left for a fun night.

Spock thought that Jim was meeting up with his ‘respectable’ friends, but Jim didn’t want to be respectable that night. He wanted to be free and forget everything for a moment. He had call up his old friends from college. The ones Spock deemed rowdy and wild. They ones Spock didn’t approve. And in some twisted way, it felt good to go against Spock and went behind his back.

They met up in a club, one in shadier part of town with private backrooms and dispensers in the bathroom. Jim drank and danced and drank some more. His friends were surprised by his sudden naughtiness, but they encouraged him never the less.

The night got wilder and Jim was pleasantly buzzed when a good looking guy sidled up to him on the dance floor and began to grind against him. Jim stuttered for a moment and he drunkenly stepped away. Upon seeing the frown in Jim’s face, the man held up his hands and backed off with an apologetic smile.

It stunned Jim when he realized that a stranger was hitting on him. It had been years since the last time he got hit on. His friends who witnessed the entire scene broke out in laughter. One nudged him and another whispered in his ear.

“Live a little Jimmy. What happens here stays here. The husband doesn’t need to know and we’re sure as hell won’t tell on you.”

The words echoed in Jim’s fuzzy brain.

‘What happens here stays here. The husband doesn’t need to know.’

Was this what that woman whispered to Spock’ ear just before she mounted him?

Was this what Spock said to her just before he took her?

A sudden flash of anger burn through Jim’s stomach and he smirked.

‘What happens here stays here. I might as well have my own fun.’

The next time a woman threw him an inviting looks, Jim went to her without any hesitancy.

They ended up in one of the backrooms. She hitched up her skimpy dress and Jim dropped his pants. Even through his addled brain, Jim still remembered to put on a pussy.

As he pushed into her, a pang of guilt made his heart ache and he almost stop. Almost. Because the next second, an image of Spock with his secretary, doing the exact same thing as he was right now made Jim lose all reason. Jim gritted his teeth and drove hard into her, making her gasped.

Jim didn’t waste any time and set an unforgiving pace from the start, letting out all his frustrations through his thrusts. She was mewling in pleasure, thoroughly enjoying the rough fucking. Her hands slipped under Jim’s shirt and she scratched at his back. Jim didn’t register the sting; he was too lost in moving in and out of her heat.

It felt good but wrong at the same time. This wasn’t the kind of pleasure he was used too. Still Jim kept pounding into her, chasing after the release his body desperately needed. With a hoarse cry he finally spilled into the condom. The euphoria was short lived, there one second and gone in the next. Jim pulled out of her and wordlessly got rid of the condom and the evidence of his own unfaithful act.

She smiled up at him and fished out another foil of condom. Spreading her legs further she coyly asked him.

“Up for another round hot boy?”

Jim ended up fucking her one more time before the alcohol got the best of him.

 

*****

 

Jim woke up the next morning in a foreign room with a splitting headache. tasted like and his stomach churned. He groaned and rolled over from the sofa he slept on. He noticed his friends from last night sprawled around the living room. Jim picked his way among the sleeping bodies and staggered around searching for the bathroom.

He emptied his bladder and rinsed . As he looked at his reflection on the mirror, the memories of last night slammed into him and he almost didn’t make it before he retched violently into the toilet bowl. He threw up everything until only bile left.

With shaking fingers he wiped and flushed the toilet. He rinsed again and splashed his face with water. He cupped his hands and drank from the tap, ignoring the tangy taste of the water. He opened the medicine cabinet and found a bottle of pain reliever. He downed two of the pills and cleaned using his index finger and a dollop of toothpaste.He felt slightly better and he returned to the living room to look for his things. He found his wallet and phone and without waking up any of his friends, he left the apartment.

Jim zipped up his jacket, feeling like his see through shirt was indecent in the light of day. He could do nothing about his ripped jeans although he wished hard for a pair of sunglasses because the sunlight was making his headache worse.

Jim spotted a diner and hastily made his way inside. He almost stepped back out because the diner turned out to be a quaint little café but the waiter was friendly and he smiled at Jim in understanding before he led Jim to a secluded booth all the way to the back, away from the window and the morning rush.

Jim ordered coffee and the waiter suggested a bowl of chicken porridge to help with the hangover. Jim thanked him sincerely and waited for his orders to arrive. He checked his phone and found several missed calls and messages from Spock. His gut twisted again, but he wasn’t ready to face anything related to Spock, so he put away his phone and slumped down on the table.

Then a voice he never thought he would ever hear again reached his ears. It was _that woman’s_ voice.

Jim trembled in his seat and before he could bolt up from his seat, the waiter returned with his orders. The waiter gave him a concerned look as he placed the cup of coffee and a bowl of porridge on the table. Jim smiled and gestured that he was fine when in fact, he wasn’t. He hadn’t been fine ever since that night.

And the woman that he despised the most was having breakfast with her friend, only a booth away from him.

Jim grabbed his spoon tightly and it took all of his will power not to hurl it at her.

Then Jim caught their conversation and it made him froze in shock.

“So, have you slept with your boss?” Her friend asked.

The woman scoffed. “He was a straight laced pain in the ass.”

“So you haven’t banged him yet?”

She sighed. “Not for lack of trying though. I mean, I literally undressed in front of him and he didn’t even bat an eyelash. He only told me to put my clothes back on and sent me home.”

Her friend snorted. “That never stopped you before.”The woman sighed again. “I tried again but he showed me his wedding ring, saying, and I quote, that he has a husband waiting for him at home. He really needs a secretary because of this big contract he’s working on; otherwise he would’ve fire me and be done with my shit, unquote.”

Her friend laughed. “He turned you down after you flashed him your boobs? What a man.” She said mockingly.

“He has their wedding photo on his desk and I swear he looks at that photo more often than at me.”

Jim didn’t stay to hear the rest of their conversation. He pulled out some bills and threw it on the table before he half ran out of the café.

He had heard enough and he felt hundreds of times worse than that night he went to Spock' office.

Jim ran and ran until he was out of breath and had to stop. He found himself in an unfamiliar place. He looked around and spotted a small alleyway. He staggered there and made it a few feet before the reality of the situation dawned on him.

He fell to his knees and bile rose in the back of his throat. As Jim once again puked his gut out, his mind screamed at him.

‘Spock didn’t cheat on me! Spock didn’t cheat on me! Spock didn’t cheat on me!’

 

*****

 

After what felt like forever, Jim gathered himself up and walked out of the alleyway. He hailed a cab and with trembling voice he rattled off his address. The taxi ride was suffocating and it lasted much too short for Jim’s liking. He paid his fare and quickly made his way to the private elevator, ignoring the doorman’s greetings.

The penthouse was empty and he found a note lying on the coffee table. It was written in Spock’ handwriting, stating that he went out to play golf with his business partners. Jim left the note on the table and quickly went to their room.

He didn’t pause and went straight to the massive en suite bathroom. He stripped himself and turned the hot water dial as high as he could stand it. He stood under the hot spray and let the scalding water washed away the filth from last night. He scrubbed himself raw, until his skin reddened and he felt the sting on his back. He rubbed at his member until it hurt.

And he doubled over in pain as his heart broke all over again. Jim ended up curling on the bathroom floor. His tears mixed with the hot water and the sound of the spraying waters drowned out his sobs.

Spock didn’t cheat on him. Spock never cheated on him. But last night, Jim was the one who cheated on Spock.

 

*****

 

Jim spend the day in a daze. He finally got out of the shower. He picked up his discarded clothes and almost threw up again. He stuffed everything he wore last night into a trash bag including his socks and boots, and chucked it into the trash bin.

He brushed his teeth, only mildly grateful that he didn’t kiss her or put anywhere near her body. He washed his hands again and again, trying to dispel the phantom feelings of her skin under his fingers. But it couldn’t erase the guilt.

Nothing he did could wash away the sickening feelings in the pit of his stomach.

He made a grave mistake last night. No. He made a grave mistake long before last night.

His fault lied in his unwillingness to talk to Spock about his anxiety, about his insecurity. His fault lied in thinking that Spock could be unfaithful to him. His fault lied in not trusting Spock enough.

He should’ve confronted Spock, putting all of his fears into the table, letting Spock knew about his suspicions. Spock might be angry at him and they might fight. But at least they could be honest with each other and got through it together. Jim could’ve been the bigger man and admitted his mistake and apologized, and Spock would’ve surely forgive him. They could’ve worked it out and came out stronger than before, together.

But Jim’s doubt clouded his judgments. It drove him to do the very act he accused Spock of. He cheated on his husband, all because of his cowardice.

Jim wished he could turn back time and returned to that night. He would’ve done things differently. He would’ve marched up to Spock’ office and demanded explanation. He wouldn’t have ran away or kept his silence.

But it was too late to regret. Too late. Too late. Too late.

Jim stumbled into bed and cried himself to sleep.

 

****

 

He woke up to the feeling of gentle fingers running through his hair.

“Spock?” He croaked out.

Spock was sitting beside him, eyes gentle and full of love.

“Wild night?” He asked softly.

Jim felt like dying.

“I was worried when you didn’t come home and I could not reach you.” Spock sighed, his fingers still playing with Jim’s hair.

“Now I know how you feel every night waiting for me.” Spock continued self deprecatingly. He leaned down and kissed Jim’s forehead. “Hang in there a bit longer. The contract is almost done, just a few more weeks. Then I’ll take a break and we could go to Europe for that vacation you have been wanting.”

Jim sobbed and wound his hands around Spock neck.

“Spock. Spock. Spock. Spock. Spock. Spock.” He cried desperately.

Spock was surprised but he gathered Jim in his arm and soothed his younger husband.

“Shush Jim,. I’m here. I’m here. It is okay, love. Did you have a nightmare?”

Jim only cried harder.

“Jim? Are you okay? I am starting to worry here.” Spock asked when minutes passed and Jim hadn’t calmed down.

Jim gulped and release his strangle hold on Spock’ neck.

“I miss you. I miss you so much.” Jim choked out.

The guilt flashing across Spock eyes made Jim felt worse. He had mistakenly attributed that look to Spock’ unfaithfulness, when in fact it was borne out of guilt for neglecting Jim. He mistook Spock’ fatigue for indifference.

Spock kissed his forehead again. “I miss you too, Jim. I’m sorry. I am so sorry.” Spock apologized.

Jim almost screamed out that he was the one who should be sorry. That he was the one who should beg for forgiveness. Instead he crushed Spock’ lips with his own.

“I want you. I want you.” He whispered harshly.

He needed Spock to touch him, to have him. He needed Spock to erase last night’s mistake. It was very selfish of him, but all Jim cared about just then was to be Spock’ again.

Spock growled and pushed Jim to the mattress. He kissed Jim with unbridled passion. His tongue was slick and hot against Jim’s. His big hands slid against the side of Jim's body and soon followed.

Jim bit down on his sobs and tried to replace the unwanted memories in his head with the skin burning sensations of Spock’ fingers on him.

Spock yanked down the blanket and he let out another possessive growl when he found that Jim was totally underneath. Spock moved down Jim’s body but Jim’s hands stopped him before he reached Jim’s member.

“No, no. I want you in me. Now. I want you to take me now.” Jim was impatient.

Spock stopped but he made no objection. He kissed Jim’s lips again before he gripped Jim’s waist and made him turn around.

That was when everything stopped.

Spock gasped and stilled.

Jim groaned and turned his head to ask what was wrong. And Spock’ trembling fingers running down his back made him remembered. _She had scratched his back last night._

“Jim?” Spock’ voice was small and trembling, and Jim broke out in sobs.

Spock stood up from the bed so fast. “You slept with someone.” he whispered.

Jim sat up and made to reach for Spock. But Spock flinched and stepped away from the bed.

“You slept with someone.” He said more firmly.

And before Jim could say anything, Spock was already halfway out of their room.

Jim scrambled after him. “Spock wait! Wait! Please! I can explain!” He ran after Spock.

He managed to catch up to him in the living room. Jim caught Spock’s arm but the latter wrenched it away.

“No! Do not touch me!” Spock shouted at him.

And Jim whimpered. “I’m sorry Spock. I’m really really sorry. But I can explain. Please let me explain.” He begged.

Spock looked pained and there were tears in his eyes. He moved toward the elevator but Jim ran passed him and planted himself in front of it.

“Don’t leave. Please don’t leave. We can talk this out baby. Please I’m begging you. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me again.” Jim sobbed.

Spock hissed and closed his eyes. He drew several long breaths and his shoulders sagged. He took several steps backward and opened his eyes.

Jim fell to his knees upon seeing the raw hurt in those eyes. Spock was hurting and Jim was the cause of it. Jim lowered his head until his forehead touched the cold floor.

“I’m begging you. Don’t leave.” He sobbed out. “I made a mistake and I beg for your forgiveness. Just give me a chance to explain.”

Spock deflated upon seeing the crumpled form of his husband.

“I will not leave.” He finally bit out.

Jim raised his head to look at him.

“But I cannot bear to look at you right now. I can't.” Spock said before he walked away and disappeared into his home office.

The sound of the door slammed shut was like thunder to Jim’s ear, but he made no move to rise from the floor. He stayed there and thanked the gods that Spock chose to stay instead of leaving.


	2. Chapter 2

An hour passed and Jim had crawled from the foyer all the way to the front of Spock’ home office. He could’ve stood up and walked, but Jim found that he had no strength left. He didn’t remember when the last time he had eaten was. His stomach growled but the thought of food only made him nauseous.

Jim sat down and leaned against the wall next to the door. He drew up his knees up to his chest and waited. His still body shivered from the cold floor and cool air, but he paid it no mind. His eyes were dry because he was too numb to even cry.

His head was a jumble of thoughts. All the fears, anxieties, regrets and memories swirled around, leaving a bitter taste in , a hollow in his stomach and a vast emptiness in his heart. He never knew that he could be this broken, but he could, and he was. The worst part was he did this to himself.

Jim suddenly sneezed and he rubbed his arms to fight of some of the chill. Another sneeze followed and Jim dimly thought that maybe he should get something to wear.

That was when the door softly opened beside him.

Jim stood up so fast he got dizzy for a while.

Spock was standing at the threshold with cold mask in his face and ice in his eyes. Still, he held out his navy cardigan to Jim.

“Put some clothes on.” Spock said coldly.

And tears finally made it past Jim’s eyes. With trembling fingers he took the cardigan but instead of putting it on, he bunched it in his hands and buried his face into the soft cashmere. He drew a deep breath and inhaled Spock’ musky scent and he muffled his ugly sobs into the cardigan.

Spock sighed and stepped around Jim and walked to the living room. He grabbed the aran throw from the back of the Italian leather sofa and draped it across Jim’s shoulder.

Jim felt the throw on his shoulder and the sudden warmth brought him to his knees again.

Even after all these, Spock still cared enough about him. Even after he hurt Spock so badly and tainted their marriage, Spock still took good care of him.

Spock stepped inside his home office again but left the door open.

“Stop crying and come in. I would like to have that explanation now.” Spock said.

Jim’s head whipped up to look at his husband. Spock was sitting behind his mahogany table with a closed off expression. His hands were neatly placed on top of the table and his back was straight.

Jim wiped his tears and came to realize that the man in front of him was not his husband Spock. The man in front of him was the businessman, CEO Grayson.

Jim stood up and made his way inside with shaky legs. He stood in front of the table, hands fidgeting with the cardigan.

“Have a seat Mr. Kirk.”

And Jim dropped to the nearest chair with a defeated sigh. Spock never called him Kirk. Even back in college when they were only mere acquaintances, Spock always called him James. He hadn’t been a Kirk for a while, three years to be exact. After his ‘I do’, he had been a Grayson. And in that moment he hated the name Kirk so much. But Jim had no right to complain so he didn’t say anything about how Spock addressed him.

“You can start any time now.” Spock’s voice brought Jim back to the situation at hand.

Jim composed himself and looked up to meet Spock’ eyes, but the indifferent stare unnerved him and he looked down at his lap again.

“I don’t know where to start.” Jim finally said after some minutes passed in silence. Truthfully he had so much to say, too much even. But his brain couldn’t come up with proper words.

“Start at the beginning.” Was Spock’ helpful suggestion.

And Jim was taken back to that get together; his mind replaying Mrs. Swan ‘s story of Mrs. Reine. Jim took a deep breath and started from there.

With soft and trembling voice, Jim told Spock about Mrs. Reine. He heard Spock’ scoff at the mention of ‘secretary’. Then Jim brought up Spock’ long hours at the office. Spock’ grunted but didn’t interrupt him. Next Jim shared his ‘discovery’, he told Spock’ about the shirt with lipstick stain and unfamiliar perfume. Spock only sighed but still kept his silence.

Then Jim told him about the failed phone calls and about what he saw the night he went to Spock’ office. Jim told Spock about his doubt, his fears, his jealousy and his suspicions. And it had felt good, to finally let Spock know about the negative emotions festered inside of him. It felt good to finally lay bare of some of the monsters in his chest.

Finally he told Spock about what happened the night before.

“I was drunk and I wasn’t thinking. I was hurt and I wanted to have my pay back.” His breath hitched but he soldiered on.

“I know it was foolish of me. To think that cheating was the right way to get back at you. But at that time, all I can think about was you doing it with your secretary and I just lost it. I know now that it was a mistake, but back then I…” Jim stuttered for the first time in his long narration. “I felt justified.” He ended in a whisper, too ashamed to say it out loud.

Another moment of silence stretched between them. Spock tapped his fingers against the table top and Jim involuntarily flinched at the sound. It felt too much like the bang of a judge’s gavel.

“Anything else you have to say?” Spock asked.

Jim nodded frantically. He cleared and began again.

He told Spock about the morning after, about the little revelation at the café, about how he came home and scrubbed himself raw. He told Spock about how wretched and guilty he felt. He told Spock about how much it killed him to know how bad he screwed up, and Spock scoffed at the phrase ‘screwed up’. Jim bit his lips and berated himself; he could’ve chosen some other words.

“And that’s it.” Jim concluded his story.

 _“'That's it'?”_ Spock asked incredulously.

Jim looked up in time to see the offended look on Spock’ face before it disappeared behind a stoic mask. Jim thought hard for a moment and then it dawned on him. He hadn’t uttered a single word of apology.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! It was all my fault.” Jim started to apologize.

He knew he didn’t deserve Spock’ forgiveness, but he craved it none the less.

“I admit that I was wrong, that I was stupid. I made the biggest mistake of my life and I’ll repent for it. But I want us back. I want us to be us again.” Jim took a deep breath. “I need you to forgive me. This is very selfish and I have no right to ask this of you. I don’t deserve you. But I need you Spock. I need you. Please have me back.” Jim pleaded.

Spock gave him a skeptical look and Jim backpedalled so quickly he almost gave himself a whiplash.

 “Okay, you don’t have to forgive me if you don’t want to, but please take me back. Take me back and don’t leave me.” Jim was close to another breakdown and he felt his breath shortened.

Spock clenched his jaws and rolled his shoulders. He hadn’t taken his eyes off of Jim ever since the younger man stepped into his office. Jim endured the heavy stare, putting on his best contrite look. Then Spock heaved a long drawn out breath and Jim saw the transformation of the CEO Grayson to his husband Spock.He was glad Spock shed the cold indifferent persona, but there was a world of pain rolling off of Spock in great big waves. Jim felt a big part of him died inside and not for the first time, he wished he could take it all back.

“If you had told me all these from the beginning…” Spock finally said.

Jim wrung his hand and hoped for the best.

“I do have a great big project.” He began again.

Jim nodded vigorously. “I know.”

“No, Jim. You do not!” Spock abruptly raised his voice.

Jim flinched and clutched at the cardigan still in his hands.

“That is the problem. You do not know, or you do not believe me.” Spock continued in a calmer tone.

“I told you that I have a big contract. I told you that I have a new secretary and I also told you that she was adequate but not up to par with Pavel. I come home late because I am dealing with a Japanese based company. Time difference Jim. Their office time starts when ours ended.”

And Jim wanted to smack himself for not realizing that sooner.

“I could have finished everything early if my secretary actually does her job instead of seducing me every opportunity she has.”

Jim flinched again.

“I am sorry about ignoring your phone call, I did not mean to. And maybe I should have done something the first time she seduced me, but the timing wasn't right, I have too much on my plate to bother with finding her replacement. But I could assure you that I never encouraged her. I never gave her any reason to think that I would be interested in her.” Spock ran his palm over his face and huffed out.

“And the shirt, it was an accident. I bumped into a female employee and got that stain. In case you didn’t notice, my secretary wears red lipstick. I felt like talking to a vampire every time I talk to her.” Spock muttered the last sentence.

Jim had to bite down a sudden smile after hearing Spock’ petulant tone.

“Jim.” Spock called him.

“Yes.” Jim answered solemnly, half elated because Spock called him by his name again.

“I am hurt because you put so little faith in me. To have you think that I am not trustworthy when I always do my best to show you how much you mean to me. Was it not enough?”

Jim shook his head frantically. “No! It was enough. You did more than enough.”

“Then why?” Spock cut him off. “Did I make you unhappy?”

“No! No, Spock! You make me happy! You always make me happy!” Jim cried out.

“Then why?!” Spock banged the table and screamed at last and Jim saw the composure leaving his husband’s body.

Spock was panting, his eyes were wild, his brows furrowed together. His lips were pulled back in a snarl and his body trembled in suppressed rage.

The sight scared Jim endlessly. For all the years they’ve known each other, Spock never once yelled at him. This was the first time Jim saw Spock this angry. This was the first time Jim saw Spock angry, period.

Like a healthy couple, they have their share of disagreements; they fought a couple of times too. But usually, Spock would be the calm and mature one, while Jim would be the one acting like a drama queen. This was their first big fight and Jim was terrified that this would be the end of them.

The thought of it released the floodgate inside Jim and his tears started anew.

“It’s not you Spock. It’s never you.” Jim said brokenly. “It was always me, always my fault, always my mistake.”

“You are perfect. You’re every women and men’s dream come true. You’re handsome, successful, loving, caring  and God, you’re a beast in bed.” Jim couldn’t help but add the last part.

“But what am I compared to you? I’m nothing, a nobody, Spock. I’m no one.” Jim sobbed. “I feel so inadequate, unimportant, so lacking in everything. I’m clumsy, I’m awkward, I don’t have a job and I have a stupid smile for fuck sake. It was like a dream come true when you asked me out. And when you asked me to marry you, I was sure I’ve died and gone to heaven. I was happy, I am happy.” Jim took a deep breath.

“But deep inside I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.” He admitted in a whisper.

“I was afraid that one day you’ll wake up and realize that you can do so much better than me. That you’ll find someone else and leave me and…” Jim couldn’t finish his sentence. He bit down on his lip and hunched down on himself, great big sobs wrecked his body.

Then Spock’ voice broke the suffocating air.

“But you are not a nobody. You are my husband. You are my everything, my only one.” Spock said loud and clear.

“To me, you are perfect. I love your clumsiness, I love that you are awkward because I think its cute. And I do not care about your stupid smile, because I love it anyway. And you are precious to me Jim. You are so precious to me.” Spock sighed.

“I apologize  if I do not say it often. I apologize if I do not show you enough. I apologize that you cannot see it. I apologize that you cannot feel it. But I love you Jim. I do love you.”

Jim cried and launched himself from his chair and threw himself at Spock’ feet. It was a feat considering there was a whole table between them. Spock turned his swiveling chair in time for Jim to bury his face on Spock lap while his arms hugged the sitting man’s legs. The position was awkward as hell, but it was the furthest thing from Jim’s mind. He wasn’t above begging and if he had to kiss Spock’ feet to earn his forgiveness then he’d happily do it.

Jim never felt so happy before, at the same time, he never felt so ashamed of himself. It was a weird combination of elation and humbling realization.

“I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve you.” Jim moaned. “But I love you so much. Oh God, Spock, I love you so fucking much. I’m sorry and I could never say this enough. I’m sorry. I’m, sorry, I’m sorry.”

Spock tried to hold on to his anger, but this was Jim. The only man he loved. The only man he ever wanted and needed. And even if it hurt like hell knowing that for a night Jim had strayed from him, it hurt even more to see his husband so broken.

Spock huffed as he felt his anger ebbed away. He could never win against Jim’s tears and he cursed himself for that. Even so, he wasn’t going to forgive Jim so easily.

“Stand up, you are ruining my pants.” He said testily.

Jim looked up at him with a pitiful expression but shook his head and held on tighter to Spock’ legs. They stared at each other for a while before Jim scrunched up his face and sneezed. Spock cringed at Jim’s runny nose.

“Stand up and go get dressed. You are ruining my pants and shirt.” Spock said and his eyes drifted to the mangled cardigan wedged between them. “And my cardigan.” He added.

Jim pinked but he still didn’t let go. He looked up at Spock with puppy eyes from his prone position on the floor.

Spock mentally cursed at himself because he felt the last of his anger leaving his body. He reached out his hand and awkwardly patted Jim’s hair.

“We  will talk more after you’re dressed. I will be here.”

Jim’s face lit up like Christmas tree and he gave one last squeeze to Spock’ legs before he stood up and left for the bedroom.

Once Jim left, Spock banged his head on the table because he preferred physical pain over the mess their life had become, anytime.

While waiting for Jim’s return, Spock went over their conversation. The hurt and anger were shimmering on his gut, but the love he felt for Jim triumphed above them. Spock realized that his love for Jim was very likely his downfall too.

If he had loved Jim just a bit less, he could’ve stay angry. If he had loved Jim just a little bit less, he would’ve had no trouble in ending this marriage. If he had loved Jim just a little bit less, then he wouldn’t hurt so badly like this.

But no. He loved Jim, and he couldn’t love him any less.

He mulled over Jim’s words, about his husband’s doubts and anxiety. He didn’t want to admit it, but maybe he played some role in creating this mess too. Lately, he inadvertently neglected Jim. He was too absorbed with work and too tired to see that Jim might have some issues. But he was truly disappointed in Jim for not coming clean to him.

Aside from the cut of betrayal, he was also hurt from the fact that Jim think so little of him. That Jim could easily succumb to his doubts rather than talk to him. Spock was well aware that he wasn’t the smooth talker or sappily romantic husband, but he thought his actions showed his love.

Maybe he didn’t show it enough. Maybe Jim didn’t get it. But they really need to get this sorted out. Spock knew that divorce was absolutely not an option. He said his vow of ‘until death do us part’, and he would stick by it come hell or high water. Not out of sense of obligation or responsibility, but because that was how much he loved Jim.

But they couldn’t go on like this. They had to rectify this. And Spock hoped Jim could meet him halfway.

 

*****

 

Back in the bedroom, Jim quickly went to the bathroom and cleaned up. His eyes had become red and swollen from too much crying. He blew his nose and washed his face.

He put on underwear and feeling insecure, he grabbed Spock’ night shirt from the hamper and put it on. It was slightly loose on the shoulder, but the lingering smell of Spock’ musky scent calmed him. He donned a pair of sweatpants and searched the bedside table for his wedding ring. He was eternally grateful that Spock didn’t notice the missing ring from his finger. It would’ve killed them both.

Jim held onto a tiny sliver of hope as he returned to Spock’ home office. He had everything to lose and he would fight tooth and nail to make Spock’ see how sorry he was. He loved Spock and he’d spend the rest of his live proving it to him.

Jim knocked before he entered. Spock looked up from writing something on the paper. He gestured for Jim to sit and continued writing. Jim sat down and waited patiently. The ball was in Spock’ court and he was willing to wait, even if his stomach twisted with anticipation.

Spock finished writing and he read over the paper once before looking at Jim.

“Divorce is not an option.” He said.

Jim slumped in relief and gave a shaky smile.

“But,” Spock continued, “I cannot forgive you yet.”

Jim straightened up a bit. It hurt a little but totally understandable. He nodded and waited for Spock to continue.

“We apparently have some issues and I intend for us to work through them. Together. Are you with me on this?” He asked.

“Yes! Yes! I’m with you.” Jim answered.

“The crux of our problem, is that I am seldom home and you are lonely. Your problem is that you feel like you are not good enough for me. My problem is that I am not say ‘I love you’ enough.”

Jim was about to protest but Spock’ raised his hand, stopping him.

“I know that you think my actions were enough. But maybe you need to hear it too, to know that it is true.”

Jim bit his lip and nodded.

“So, we are going to work on your self confidence and my lack of romantic verbal skill.” Spock paused to look at Jim. His husband had a hopeful look in his eyes and a small smile in his lips. Spock felt his heart clenched with a bittersweet feeling.

“We are going to meet each other halfway. If I cannot be here at home with you, then yo are going to be there at the office with me.”

Jim looked confused for a moment.

“I want you to really be my husband. Make me a homemade lunch and deliver it to my office. I will clear up all my lunch appointments so we can have lunch together. We can also have dinner together. You can stay and keep me company while I work late.” Spock clarified. “I cannot be the only one trying, Jim. You have to put in your own efforts too.”

And upon hearing that from Spock’ lips, Jim felt alive again. He was given a second chance, one he didn’t deserve.

“Thank you Spock. Thank you. I Love you and I’ll prove it. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I’ll do whatever it takes.” Jim breathed out.

Spock nodded. “Okay. We shall start tomorrow. For now, could you fix me something to eat? I am hungry.”

Jim’s stomach chose that moment to growl.

Spock clamped down his laughter but a tiny grin made it to his lips. Jim looked down in horror at his treacherous stomach and quickly got up. His ears and cheeks pinked and he mumbled ‘I’ll call you when the food’s ready’, before he half ran out of the room.

Spock sobered and leaned back in his chair. He was exhausted. But true love never ran smooth. He just had to grit his teeth and marched on, even if he had to bear all the weight and dragged Jim along with him.

That was just how much he loved Jim.

That night they went to bed together, but Spock foregone his usual kisses and turned his back to Jim. Jim gripped the blanket so tight his knuckles turned white but said nothing. He knew Spock’ forgiveness didn’t come free or cheap. He had to pay the price and Jim knew how expensive it was.


	3. Chapter 3

The first day of their reconciliation, Jim woke up earlier than ever. He washed his face and brushed his teeth. He went to their walk in closet and prepared Spock’ clothes. He chose the underwear, shirt, suit, tie, cufflinks, belt, handkerchief, watch, socks and shoes. Then he tiptoed out of the room and went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for the both of them.

The hired maid who came in every morning to clean up looked at him with a confused frown before she bowed down. Jim gave her a sheepish smile.

“I want to make breakfast for my husband.” He said by way of explanation.

She bowed again but refrained from commenting and continued with her job.It came to him while he was pouring the orange juice while waiting for the toast.

He seldom did this for Spock.

He would usually still in bed when Spock began his day. He would only wake up long enough to receive Spock’ kisses and then returned to sleep.

The shame and realization hit Jim like a freight train. Spock’ was right, he couldn’t be the only one trying, Jim had to put in his efforts too.

Jim arranged the simple breakfast on a tray and brought it to the bedroom just in time.

Spock was rousing from sleep and by force of habbit, he rolled over to drape his arm over Jim’s body for a quick cuddle. He raised his head in confusion when his hand met empty bed and groaned when he remembered. He sighed and turned on his back.

Just then, Jim came into the room with a tray of breakfast. He had a nervous smile as he approached the bed and stood beside Spock.

“I made breakfast.” He said timidly.

Spock sat up and Jim set the tray on his lap.

“I hope you’ll like it.”

Spock gave him a brief smile and perused the contents of the tray. Two pieces of toast, one with butter one with peach jam, and a glass of orange juice. Spock gave a wider smile. Jim still remembered his preferred breakfast.

“Thank you. I will definitely enjoy this.” Let it never be said that Spock didn’t give credit when it was due.

Jim nodded happily. They were off to a good start.

Once Spock finished eating, Jim cleaned up a bit while Spock took a shower. He returned to the bedroom and tidied up the bed while he waited for Spock. He heard the shower shut off and felt a little flush of excitement at seeing Spock clad only in a towel, droplets of waters still clung to his damp skin.

He sat on the bed and waited for Spock to finish dressing. It didn’t take long until the taller man joined him in the bedroom. Spock was holding out his tie and cufflinks.

“Help me with these?” He asked.

And Jim had to swallow a ball of unidentifiable emotion. Spock was really trying to mend their marriage by giving Jim chances to redeem himself.

 

Jim stood up and helped put the cufflinks. He had a hard time holding back his tears while doing the tie. This was such a simple yet intimate act between husbands and Jim regretted so much that he never thought of doing this for Spock more often. He used to do this when they were newlywed, but then he became complacent. Spock’ doting and pampering had made him selfish. Straightening the knot, Jim vowed to be a better husband for Spock.

“All done.” Jim said and stepped back.

“Thank you.” Spock mumbled and went back inside the closet to get his suit jacket.

Jim sent Spock off and before the elevator closed, Spock smiled at him.

“I will be waiting for lunch.”

Jim was happy even if Spock still didn’t kiss or touch him. He knew he hadn’t deserved it. Yet.

 

*****

 

With the help of the maid, Jim made lunch for Spock. It wasn’t anything elaborate, but Jim made sure to cook Spock’ favorite vegetarian dishes. He made a mental note to learn more recipes in the future.  He packed the lunch boxes and grabbed his messenger bag before heading off to Spock’ office.

Jim parked his car on the VIP parking spot at the front of the building, just behind Spock’ car. He walked through the lobby and didn’t stop at the guest reception desk, he had his own keycard for the CEO’s elevator, but he returned the smiles and greetings from the employees who knew him. He stepped off the elevator and drew a deep breath as the memory of the last time he was there invaded his mind. Jim straightened up and walked confidently to Spock’ office.

He smiled at the executive receptionist and didn’t even bother looking at the secretary stationed just outside Spock’ office and went straight to the door. She stood up and was about to stop him but Jim beat her up to it.

“I’m here to see my husband. He’s expecting me.” Without waiting for her reply, Jim opened the door and stepped inside.

Spock was sitting behind his desk and he was talking to a male employee. He stopped talking and they both turned their attention to the door. Jim smiled and raised the lunch bag he was carrying.

“Don’t mind me. I’m just here to deliver the CEO’s lunch.” Jim said. He went to the sofa and started to take out the food containers and arranged them neatly on the coffee table.

Spock looked down at his watch and smiled. “It is lunch time indeed.”

He shuffled the papers in front of him and set them aside.

“We shall continue this after lunch.” He said to the employee.

The employee bowed to both Spock and Jim before exiting the office.

“I do not want to be disturbed during lunch and I will not taking any calls.” He said to the intercom before making his way to join Jim.

Jim smiled as he served Spock. Seeing the array of his favorite foods, Spock smiled back at Jim and started digging. They ate lunch in companionable silence.

Once they were done, Jim packed the boxes and was reluctant to leave. But Spock had returned to his desk and informed his secretary that he had finished lunch.

Spock looked up at Jim and smiled again. “Thanks for the lunch. I am going to continue my work now.” Then he started going through his papers.

The small happiness Jim felt earlier was completely squashed down. He knew when he was being dismissed. He sighed dejectedly and picked up the bags.

Jim was almost out the door when Spock spoke.

“See you at dinner, James.”

“Ye-yeah.” Jim stuttered his reply and closed the door behind him.

He wanted to get excited about dinner, but couldn’t dredge up any.

 

*****

 

Dinner was a bit more elaborate since Jim had all afternoon to prepare for it. He decided to wear comfortable clothes and brought his laptop with him, he planned to stay after dinner. Spock had said he could and Jim wanted to too.

He didn’t drive this time, opting to grab a taxi since he could ride home with Spock. He walked through the lobby again, the front guard had changed and he didn’t recognize him. He stopped Jim and asked for identification. ‘Grayson Jim’ and a flash of the VIP keycard had the guard bowed down in apology and he hurriedly escorted Jim to the elevator, going so far as to press the button for him.

 

The secretary wasn’t at her desk when Jim walked past, and Jim felt quite smug. It soured into a rotten feeling when he stepped in and saw her standing beside Spock’ desk.

“Dinner.” the blonde said weakly when two sets of eyes fell on him.

Spock smiled briefly and resumed his conversation with her. Jim muted them out and busied himself with setting up the table. He heard the click clack of her heels but refused to look up and acknowledged her.

He only looked up when Spock sat down beside him.

“You are pouting.” Spock said.

Jim schooled his expressions and served Spock. “I’m not.” He said with a light tone.

Spock hummed and said nothing, but there was a knowing smirk at the edge of his lips. Jim stomped at the brief flare of jealousy and started to eat his own dinner.

They didn’t talk much over dinner. Spock returned to his desk and shuffled his papers again.

“Are you staying?” He asked.

“Yeah. If you don’t mind.” Jim fidgeted on his seat.

Spock smiled at him. “No, I do not mind. Make yourself comfortable.” He said and called for his secretary.

She came back inside and this time Jim couldn’t help but took in her appearances.

She was wearing a black pencil skirt and a ruffled white blouse. Her hair was still in perfect curls and her red lipstick did make Jim think of vampires. She looked beautiful, sophisticated. Jim looked down at himself and regretted not wearing something nicer. He only had on a pair of old jeans and one of Spock’ t-shirt.

He booted up his laptop and tried not to eavesdrop. He searched up some recipes and browse through food blogs and recipe videos. He distantly heard her leaving the office but was too caught up with some pasta recipe to pay her any mind.

Then Spock’ voice reached him. “You look good on my shirt.”

Jim looked up, but Spock wasn’t looking at him. He bit his lips but couldn’t hide the pleased smile on his face.

Around ten, the secretary returned with several employees behind her.

“Time for your conference call Sir.” She said.

Spock checked his watch and motioned for his employees to sit down. They remained standing upon seeing that Jim was already occupying one of the sofas. Spock walked over with his tablet in hand.

“Sit on my desk James, we need to use the sofa.” He said to Jim.

“Oh, okay. Sorry.” the blonde said as he relocated to Spock’ desk.

The secretary with the help from another male employee set the table up, connecting laptops, phones and what not.

Jim made sure to keep quiet when the conference call started. He heard Spock switched to Japanese and let the foreign words uttered in his husband’s deep voice washed over him. Somewhere between reading about the different types of sea salts and when to use them, Jim fell asleep.

He was woken up by a gentle shake on his shoulder.

“Jim, wake up. It is time to go home.”

The blonde jolted up and rubbed at his eyes.

“Are you finished with work?” He asked while yawning.

“For tonight.” Spock answered.

Jim nodded and stood up to gather his things. They walked out of the office together and went home. They did their night routines and crawled into bed together. Spock still didn’t kiss him and Jim fell back to sleep watching Spock’ back.

 

*****

 

The week progressed much in the same way. Jim woke up before Spock, picked out his outfit of the day, prepare breakfast and helped Spock with his cufflinks and tie.

He’d spend the morning looking up and trying out recipes and making lunch for Spock. He spent his afternoon doing small errands he never bothered with before. He went to the dry cleaners or went grocery shopping before returning to the penthouse and started on dinner. Spock had bought a divan and placed it in a corner of his office. Jim would lounge there while Spock had his nightly conference call.

It was so domestic, so peaceful and for the first time since the incident, Jim felt like they were finally okay, even if Spock hadn’t kiss or touched him again.

 

The peace lasted for almost a week.

At the start of the week Spock didn’t prepare to go to work like usual. He woke even earlier than Jim and packed his suitcase.

“Spock?” Jim woke up groggily.

“I am flying to Japan today. I need to finalize the contract.” Spock explained.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve helped you pack.” Jim said as he sat up and rubbed at his eyes.

“It was last minute arrangement.” Spock zipped up his suitcase.

“How long will you be there?” Jim felt a slight disappointment at seeing Spock all dressed and ready to go, he had been looking forward to help his husband put on the cufflinks and tie.

“A week at most. I will try to wrap it up as soon as I can.”

“It’s okay, no need to rush on account of me.” Jim yawned.

“She will be coming with me. We will be in the same hotel but different rooms.” Spock suddenly dropped the bomb.

Jim gulped and looked at Spock.

“I tell you this upfront so you will not get any ideas.” Spock said while looking straight at Jim’s eyes.

Something in his tone made it clear that Spock was talking about two things at once.

 _Don't get_ _ideas that I'm c_ _heating with her._

_Don't get ideas to go cheating on me._

“I thought we’re past that.” Jim whimpered.

“I have not forgiven you Jim, and I surely have not forgotten.” Spock smiled and Jim shuddered.

It was impossible to miss the devastated look on Jim’s face, and judging by the tiny satisfied grin in the corner of Spock’ mouth, he saw it too. Spock grabbed his coat and walked to the bed and leaned down to kiss the side of Jim’s temple. Spock finally kissed him, but Jim only felt cold.

“Maybe you should remember this the next time you decided to take off your wedding ring.” He whispered to Jim’s ear before straightening up and walked out of the room, dragging his suitcase behind.

When the door closed, Jim clutched his fingers on the sheet and groaned into his pillow. There was a hand of ice gripping at his heart and he was sure he could never breathe properly ever again. He was in a world of pain. Everything hurt.

He had thought that Spock didn’t know about the ring, that Spock didn’t notice it was missing from Jim’s finger for a night. But he should’ve known better. He should’ve known that Spock’ eyes never missed a thing.

What really broke him though was the cruel edge to Spock’ smile. Spock knew his words would tear Jim up, but he said them anyway. Jim knew this was his punishment, he just didn’t know if he could take it without breaking to pieces again.

 

*****

 

During his trip, Spock never failed to call or text Jim. The older acted like nothing happened on that morning he left. Jim was starting to get over the incident but Spock’ words that morning opened up the old wound, waking up the guilt monster that followed his steps and nipped at his heels.

Jim deleted his ‘wild’ friends’ numbers from his phone and have brunch and lunch date and shopping spree with the respectable friends Spock approved instead. He took several one day cooking lessons and learned to bake. He signed up for reading groups, charity projects and make donations to several humanitarian foundations. He stayed away from the gyms because according to the other wives, that was where the gold diggers operated, but he attended the soirees with a smile and happy face.

Jim did his best to make something out of himself. To always be at his best behavior. He tried his best to be a husband Spock could be proud of. He could only hope that his efforts were good enough.

 

*****

 

When Spock returned, Jim was waiting for him with a table full of warm vegetarian food. He helped Spock undress and unpacked the suitcase while the taller man took a shower. He found several gift boxes with his name on the tags. He smiled and placed them on the bedside table, he’d open them later.

Spock emerged from the bathroom and joined Jim at the dining room. He cheerfully told Jim that the contract was finally signed and he could return to his normal schedule. Jim clapped and congratulated him, genuinely happy for his husband.

Spock killed the mood with his next sentence though.

“We had a celebratory drink after. I got quite buzzed but was no totally drunk. She made advances on me again, gotten as far as sliding her hands on my thighs, but I remove her off and went back to my room alone. I will fire her first thing in the morning.” Spock smiled and said nonchalantly, like he was merely talking about the weather.

Jim’ ears heard the words, and his mind caught the underlying statement.

 _I got buzzed and she had her hands on me_ _but I_   _turned her down and didn’t cheat on you._

Spock might as well say those words to him. Jim would’ve never expected the back handed way in which Spock showed his loyalty while bringing up Jim’s disloyalty at the same time. He swallowed the lump in and forced a smile on his face.

“I hope they got you a better secretary.” He managed to say.

“Hmm.” Spock hummed. “I just want one who could actually get the job done. It would save me a lot of headache.”

Jim thought Spock had said ‘heartache’ instead of ‘headache’, but he wasn’t sure, because the next second Spock was complimenting his broccoli casserole.

 

*****

 

True to his word, Spock had fired the secretary. When Jim came to deliver lunch, she wasn’t there anymore. In her place was a young man who stood up and went to open Spock’ office door as soon as he saw Jim walking down the hallway.

He bowed and greeted Jim. “The CEO is waiting inside, Sir. Have a pleasant lunch.” He closed the door after Jim stepped inside.

Spock looked up and smiled at him. He left his desk and went to the sofa.

“He is better than the last one. Almost as good as Pavel.” Spock said without prompting.

Jim nodded tightly, hands busy taking out the lunch boxes. He didn’t want to comment because he knew what would follow.

Spock didn’t immediately eat; he stared intently at Jim, making the other man fidgeted under the heated gaze. He apparently waited for Jim to say something about the change of secretary.

“Good for you.” Jim finally said.

Spock smiled again and Jim knew he wouldn’t escape unscathed. It was the same cruel smile Spock had on his face just before he shredded Jim’s heart with his words.

Spock didn’t disappoint.

“Good for you too. He’s happily married with two children. He has his family photo on his desk. You have nothing to worry about him.”

And Spock started to eat his lunch, not forgetting to compliment Jim on the food.

Jim’s smile was faked and forced, but he knew Spock didn’t really care at the moment; he just delivered another punishment to Jim.

 

*****

 

Jim began to dread Spock’ smiles, especially the cruel ones.

It didn’t take long for Jim to realize that Spock was using his guilt to punish Jim. He acted sweet towards Jim, he bought him gifts, came home on time, complimented Jim’s food and took Jim out on dates during the weekends.

But he also used his words to hurt Jim every chance he got. Jim tried to endure it all, knowing that he deserved every bit. But Spock showed no sign of stopping anytime soon and Jim couldn’t help but to start resenting him for it.

Jim preferred an outright confrontation rather than the thinly veiled reminder of his mistake. He wished they just came to blows and sorted out everything rather than this long drawn out punishment Spock subjected him to. At times, Jim wanted to defend himself even if he knew that he wouldn’t win any argument soon, but one piercing look from Spock made him swallow his words.

Jim’s life had become surreal. He became the epitome of the perfect husband, and at times he felt the part too. Spock had also started to touch him more. He’d touch Jim’s elbow, stroking his hair, caressed his cheek and on one occasion gave him a brief hug. The kisses also returned although there were only few and far between and never on the lips.

Sometimes when Spock was being kind, Jim would feel like they were finally okay.

But then Spock would punish Jim again by bringing up his one ultimate mistake and the hope crumbled. It was a vicious cycle of hope and disappointment. Jim felt like he was slowly going crazy, but there was nothing he could do. He promised he’d do anything to make it up to Spock. Spock had loved him enough to stay and gave him a second chance and Jim would be damned if he let go of it.

Too bad Spock didn’t love him enough to finally forgive him.

Still, the guilt monster had diminished in size. It got a new friend instead. Now Jim had a little hate monster gnawing on his heart too.

 

*****

 

At first Jim thought that Spock would end his slow torture soon, but with each day passed, the jab wasn’t decreasing. It didn’t increase either, but it was still there all the same. Three months into it and Jim was at his wit’s end.

He had tried so hard to make amends but Spock still refused to forgive him. Granted, Spock had resumed his touches and kisses, but all in polite cordiality and familiarity, never in intimacy. Even when he kissed Jim’s lips, he kept it short and chaste. They even cuddled in bed now, but that was as far as their bedroom’s activity went. Spock always held himself back, never giving himself fully. His touches always had a note of reservation.

Jim realized fully that they were both male with needs, and more than once he wanted to initiate something more with Spock. After the first few rejections, Jim took the hint and pleased himself in the bathroom. He pretended to not notice that Spock did the same. The wads of dirtied tissues in the bathroom trash bin were like a slap to Jim’s pride.

His husband preferred to jerk himself off rather than touch him.

It stung but Jim gritted his teeth and rolled with the punches. He’d been doing that a lot lately. He wondered if his heart was still in good shape, it had been hurt and bruised too many times by Spock’ jabs.

But sooner or later, something bound to snap.

It happened on the night Spock and Jim were meant to attend a party. Jim hadn’t been feeling well since morning. He wasn’t sick, just mentally exhausted. During lunch, he told Spock that he wasn’t feeling too good, and he might have to skip the party invitation.

Spock looked at him with a faint worry and almost made an appointment with their doctor, but Jim assured him that it was nothing serious. He’d rather sleep it away. Spock agreed but made Jim promise to call him or the doctor if he was feeling worse. Before Jim left, Spock held him a bit longer and tighter. He also left a lingering kiss on Jim’s temple.

Jim felt a bit better after that, but he didn’t entertain any hope of them getting better. Once he reached the penthouse, Jim queued up his favorite cartoons on the home theatre and snuggled up on the sofa with a bucket of popcorn and some sodas.

He fell asleep somewhere during Frozen and woke up just as Brave’s end credit rolled on the screen. He groaned and reached for the remote. He turned the whole thing off and stretched himself. He had a light kink on his neck and his bladder was begging to be emptied. With a groan, he stood up and made way to the bathroom.

Once finished with his business, he rummaged around in the kitchen for something to eat. He usually ate dinner with Spock, but since Spock attended the party, he had to fend for himself. The thought of preparing dinner for only one person didn’t appealed to him so Jim grabbed his jacket, phone and wallet before exiting the penthouse.

He walked the few blocks to the nearest convenience store and aimlessly walked through the aisles. He stopped at the frozen food section and browsed through the microwavable dinner. He picked out two packages of seafood pancakes and a bag of vegetable spring roll. He picked up several plastic wrapped tuna sandwich on his way to the cashier. He paid with a swipe of his black card and the cashier did a double take and seized him up and down.

Honestly, with his stained shirt, sweatpants and rumpled jacket, Jim looked more like a college dropout rather than a rich dude. He gave the cashier an impatient look and it spurred the latter to ring him up. Jim signed the slip, took his card and picked up the plastic bag containing his purchases. The cashier gave him the receipts along with some small packets and Jim only caught the words ‘free promotional sample’ before stuffing everything to his jacket pocket.

He walked leisurely back, taking in the scenery and the stale night air of the town. A billboard with the silhouette of Eiffel Tower on it made him stop. He smiled bitterly and remembered the European vacation he wanted. That was another wish that wouldn’t come true anytime soon, if ever. Jim sighed and resumed his walk.

He knew better than to hold on to past dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter to go. So yeah. Idk. If I'm gonna put the extra part here. Let we see it later~


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm supposed to posting this chapter yesterday, but I can find a time to update this. So yeah. Enjoy this last chapter, people!

When he stepped into the penthouse, the first thing he noticed was Spock standing in the middle of the living room wearing a pinched up expression. Spock turned when he heard the elevator bells dinged and came face to face with a surprised Jim.

“Oh, you’re home. I thought you have a dinner party.” Jim said as he walked in and placed his plastic bag at the coffee table, Spock’ discarded suit jacket and tie were already there.

Spock didn’t say anything but there was a glint of steel in his eyes that made Jim nervous.

“Spock?” He queried.

Spock clenched his teeth and stalked toward Jim.

“And I thought you weren’t feeling so well.” Spock casted his glance toward the plastic bag and sneered, “But apparently you are healthy enough to go out and do some shopping.”

Jim felt the hate monster growling in his chest. He didn’t like Spock’ tone, not one bit. Jim sighed and pulled out the items from the bag.

“I was just getting dinner for myself. I don’t feel like cooking.”

Spock looked at him skeptically. He took note of Jim’s rumpled state and scoffed. “Are you sure that’s the only thing you got?”

Jim straightened up so fast he swore he heard his spine cracked. “And what is that suppose to mean?” He challenged.

Spock narrowed his eyes. This was the first time Jim talked back to him and it irked him.

“I am asking you. Is that the only thing you got?” He said menacingly.

Jim was too tired to deal with all the drama. But he couldn’t just brush it off and walked away like he so badly wanted to. This drama was his entire life now; he was the main cast, along with Spock.

“Yes.” He snapped out. “It was the only thing I got.” He took off his jacket in irritation and threw it down on the table.

That was when the most absurd thing, in Jim’s opinion, happened.

A familiar square of aluminum foil fell from his jacket’s pocket.

The ensuing silence was so thick you could hear a pin drop.

Spock broke it with a mirthless chuckle. “Of course.” He rasped.

Jim had trouble breathing because ‘where the fuck did _that_ come from?’ was running in endless loop inside his head.

“Back to old habbit, huh?” Spock gritted through his teeth.

Jim shook his head vehemently. “No! It’s not what you think! That’s not mine!”

Spock scoffed. “In case you missed it, it fell from your jacket.”

“But it’s not mine! I don’t know where it came from!” Jim denied.

“Maybe your fling left it there for you.” Spock felt the beginning of ice cold rage creeping on his spine.

“No Spock! There’s no fling! I swear to you I was only out to get dinner!” Jim was close to tearing his hair out.

Spock waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. “Debatable, since the last time you ‘went out for a drink with a friend’; you ended up cheating on me!”

“Why do you keep bringing up a mistake I’ve already regretted and repented for every single day?!” Jim finally yelled.

“Regretted?” Spock scoffed. “As if!” He continued.

“I thought you want to fix us! Apparently not enough to forgive me.” Jim bit out.

“I thought you want to make it up to me. Apparently not enough to stop you from sleeping around.” Spock replied coldly.

Jim froze for a second and his hands clenched. He couldn’t live like this anymore. Just as he thought they took one step forward, Spock would remind him of his mistake and they would end up crashing to square one once again. The vicious cycle kept on repeating and Jim felt like a modern day Sisyphus.

”I did everything I could to love you better. I’m trying my damnedest to be a good husband, a better husband for you. Why can’t you trust me?” Jim’s voice quivered.

“You know what they said about trust and mirror.” Spock shrugged.

“Then maybe you should get a new one!” Jim half screamed.

“And maybe I should.” Spock raised his tone as well.

Jim recoiled. “But you said divorce wasn’t an option.” He quickly lost his wind and he felt all the strength leaving his body.

Spock raised an elegant eyebrow. “Then why are you suggesting it?”

“Because I’m fucking tired of hurting Spock. I’m tired of having the same mistake got thrown on my face every single time. I’m tired of this guilt you hang around my neck like a noose. I’m suffocating Spock, I can’t breathe.” Jim had fallen to his knees and started crying.

“I’m trying so hard to make it right, to make it up to you. But you just dangle your forgiveness in front of me and I kept hoping for it. Just like an ass with a stick and carrots.” Jim clutched at his chest and tried hard to breathe through his sobs.

“Oh for fuck sake, I can’t... I can’t breathe.” Jim’s lungs started to fail him. “I can’t. I can’t. No more, please no more.” Jim begged. "Let’s end this Spock. Let’s end this. Either you forgive me and move on, or forget me and move on.” He said before his forehead met the floor. Divorce didn’t sound too bad anymore. It might be painful, but it must be better than this continuous pain they inflicted toward each other.

The way Jim heaved and crumpled on the floor was reminiscent of the day Spock found out he slept with someone else. And Spock’ heart broke just the same even though for different reasons. He thought he could get his revenge by hurting Jim. And he did. But he didn’t count on his heart breaking along with Jim’s.

Spock clenched his jaw and tried to gather his anger around him, trying to hold on to his own sadness and pain. He wanted to punish Jim so the other man would feel just as hurt as he was, then he would forgive him. And he succeeded. He had hurt Jim, badly.

Forgiving someone you love was supposed to be easy. It was easy because you wanted to get past the misery and got on with the happy times instead. So why was it so hard for him to forgive Jim?

He loved Jim still. He didn’t want to end them. He was willing to work with Jim to make them whole again, and he thought they were progressing. Only to realize that he was the one running in place while Jim had moved forward. For all his pretty speeches and righteous behavior, Spock was the one still stuck in the past.

Jim had acknowledged his mistake, had paid for it every single day. And it was unfair to Jim if Spock turned a blind eye to his husband’s effort and still held the younger man as the only guilty party. Spock started out as the victim, but somewhere along the way, their roles had changed. Now Spock was just as guilty.

And it came to him so suddenly and out of the blue.

Spock was letting his pride ruled his heart. Everything he did so far wasn’t out of love, it was out of pride. Spock couldn’t take Jim cheating on him and he couldn’t take being replaced, even for just one night. He did what he had to, to keep Jim with him, not as a husband but as a prisoner, a convict. Guilty of cheating, punished and jailed but never pardoned. In a way, Spock was killing Jim slowly and he was too blind to realize it.

Spock felt so disgusted with himself he almost threw up. His eyes fell to the crying Jim on the floor and his heart flew out of his chest to the trembling form of Jim. Spock let out an anguished wail and joined Jim on the floor. He curled his slightly larger frame over Jim’s and whispered apologies.

“Oh God, Jim. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. What have I done to _you?_ Oh love, what have I done to _us?_ I’m sorry Jim, I’m sorry.” Spock could taste the bitter pang of regret mingling with the saltiness of his tears.

Jim’s breath hitched and he tried to sit up. Spock helped him and they ended up facing each other with tears streaming down their cheeks. Jim clutched desperately at Spock’ biceps, his grip strong enough to leave bruises.

“No, don’t say you’re sorry. Just say you forgive me. I don’t need your sorry, Spock. I need your forgiveness.” Jim pleaded to him, with eyes so wide and blue and wild but lost.

Another anguished cry escaped Spock’ mouth and he pulled Jim into his embrace.

“Yes. Fine, I forgive you! I forgive you Jim, I forgive you.” Spock would give anything and everything to make Jim stopped looking like that.

Jim returned the hug just as fiercely. Just when he lost all hope, Spock finally said the words he’d been dying to hear. It was gut-wrenching. It was exhilarating. It was bittersweet. But it also felt like finding an oasis in the middle of an endless dessert.

This is the first time Spock hugged him without reservation after that day. Jim’s body burned in need to have him closer. He’d been deprived of his husband’s warmth and the need to feel all of Spock was making him dizzy.

"Goddamit, hold me. Hold me. Spock, hold me.” He sobbed out.

And Spock held him tighter. He was sure he was going to break Jim’s rib by how hard he wound his arms around his husband, but Jim only asked for more, more, more.

And Spock was eager to give him more.

He released his hold and before Jim could protest he grabbed Jim’s face and crashed their lips together. Jim gasped and moaned into the kiss.

The kiss was hard, bruising, unforgiving. Their teeth clacked, but neither paid any heed. Their tongues met, hot and slick against each other. They bit and nipped and moaned into each other’s mouth. Their saliva mixed with tears, making quite a mess but neither minded it. Jim’s hands moved from their purchase on Spock’ arm to tear at his husband’s shirt. He needed to feel Spock’ skin.

 He couldn’t bother with the buttons so he ripped it apart instead. Spock’ cufflinks made it hard for Jim to completely rid his husband of the shirt, so he just left it there. Spock groaned and tugged at Jim’s shirt impatiently. They separated long enough for Spock to pull the shirt off of Jim.

Their lips met again for another hard kiss. Their hands weren’t idle either. Spock let his hands roam around the plane of Jim’s back, running his blunt nail across the unblemished skin. He wanted to leave his own marks there, to erase the old ones, left by a nameless stranger.

Jim whimpered into and their tongues battled for dominance. Jim’s hands were fumbling with Spock’ buckle and pants and he groaned in frustration when his trembling fingers failed him. Spock impatiently pulled away from the kiss and undid the buckle and fly. Jim used the little break to catch his breath and just took in the sight of his husband’s chest.

And he moaned again at the strong urge to _lick._ Jim gave in to his urge and bent down so he could lick at the spot between Spock’ collarbones. Spock groaned when he felt Jim’s tongue on his skin. _It had been too long._ He cursed and hauled Jim up.

They half crawled half tumbled to the sofa where Spock pushed Jim atop the leather cushion and proceeded to pull at the sweatpants’ string. Jim’s fell on his back and helpfully raised his hips when Spock pulled the sweatpants down.

Spock hissed when he saw Jim’s bulge. “I want to taste you.” He whispered. “I want to _eat_ you.”

Then he yanked Jim’s brief down. Jim moaned when his erection sprang free from its confinement. He moaned louder when Spock fell to his knees, grabbed his thighs, spread him open and dove right in.

Jim’s hands flew to grab at Spock’ hair as he felt the first lick. Spock had bypassed his and went straight to his entrance. He cursed when Spock ran the flat of his tongue against the puckered hole. He cursed louder when Spock gave kitten licks around the sphincter.

“Fuck fuck _fuck_ Spock!” Jim keened when Spock finally breached his body with the tip of his tongue.

Spock was lost in a haze of lust. It had been too long since he had Jim writhing underneath him, too long since he drove the other man crazy with his ministrations. He missed Jim’s musky smell and taste. He missed the way Jim mewled and panted.

Spock withdrew to lick around Jim’s rim, teasing the wrinkled skin. He alternated it with short jab inside Jim’s hole with the tip of his tongue. Jim’s thighs quivered and he let out another string of curses.

As much as Jim enjoyed the way Spock ate him out, he wanted more. He grasped the side of Spock’ face and tried to pull the other man up.

“Spock, don’t tease.” He rasped.

Spock gave another lick before he pulled back. “Tell me what you want, Jim.” He grunted with a voice rough with desire.

“You. I want you in me. Now.” Jim panted.

“Wait, I will get the lube.” Spock started to rise up.

Jim was quick to stop him. “No, no, make it hurt. Make it hurt Spock.”

Spock’ eyes widened and he hesitated for a moment. But Jim was adamant.

“Please. I _need_  this to hurt.”

Spock locked his gaze with Jim and upon seeing the plea in the blue orbs, Spock suddenly understood. Jim didn’t need this to be gentle; they would have plenty of time later for gentleness. Right now, he wanted it to be rough. Only roughness could make this real.

They both knew what this was. This was their hot, angry, rough make up sex. This was their closure, the last act of their drama. This was Spock’ last punishment and Jim’s last penance. This is the for their sour marriage, but never the end. They needed to break their old relationship, shatter it to pieces so they could build a new one.

After this, they would begin again with clean slates. They would only have blank pages ahead of them and they could write their new story with flowing flowery script, with sweet love makings and sunshine kisses, long walks on the beach and romantic candle lit dinners. They could have it all, they would have it all. Later.

At the moment Jim wanted Spock’ fingers in him. He wanted the long digits to stretch him, prepared him for Spock. He gave voice to what he wanted and Spock complied.

He lick his fingers to coat them with saliva before pushing one into Jim none too gently.

Jim tensed at the first breach but forced his body to relax. It burned and stung, but wonderful at the same time. Jim couldn’t get enough of it.

“More.” He croaked.

Spock complied and used two fingers. Jim winced. The pain was more pronounced, but there was also an underlying pleasure beneath it. Jim drew a deep breath and propped up on his elbows so he could move back onto Spock’ fingers.

His fingers began to dry up so Spock gathered his saliva and let it dribbled at Jim’s hole. It was filthy and inadequate, but it was all he had. Spock added another finger and carefully worked Jim open. Jim couldn’t really care about preparation; he wanted Spock inside him so badly.

“Spock please, please, please just get inside me.” He sobbed.

Spock groaned at the wanton display but ignored his husband’s words. Even if Jim wanted this hurt, Spock wasn’t about to take him raw. He continued to add more spit into Jim’s entrance and finally his three fingers could slide in and out of Jim with some ease.

“Enough, enough. In me. Now!” Jim was begging incoherently.

Spock looked up at his husband and saw how wrecked Jim looked. HIs tear stained cheeks were flushed. The pink reached the tip of his ears and neck. His lips were swollen and small pants escaped the half opened mouth. His brows were knitted together and his eyes were glassy with need.

Spock felt his resolve crumbled when he saw Jim’s member. It was hard and purple, with beads of precum leaking from the tip. He bent down and took Jim’s cock in his mouth, letting it rest on his tongue while he withdrew his fingers so he could work his own out of his boxer. He pushed his boxer and pants down until they fell mid-thigh.

Once he had it freed, Spock let go of Jim’s and shuffled forward. He grabbed Jim’s thigh and dragged him closer to the edge of the sofa. He bent down and kissed Jim, one hand was grabbing at his husband’s hip while the other guided his thick cock into Jim’s hole.

He tried to push in slow, not wanting to hurt Jim too much, but the younger man had another idea. Jim braced his hands against the back of the couch and pushed himself toward Spock.

 _“Shit,_ Jim!” Spock cursed as breached Jim’s body in one swift .

Jim was biting his lips so his scream wouldn’t make it past his lips. _It hurt, so so bad._ Jim lost his breath for few seconds as tears of pain escaped the corner of his eyes.

For his part, Spock had gripped Jim’s hips and kept himself still. It was too much. The heat and tightness was too much. It had been months since he last been this intimate with Jim and the sensations that engulfed him all at once were too overwhelming, he almost came.

Spock took a ragged breath and gritted his teeth, willing the orgasm away. He recited multiplication tables inside his head to help him calm down. It would be too embarrassing and too soon to come just then. They haven’t started anything yet.

Once the pain subsided to a more bearable level, Jim bucked his hips and moaned low in his throat.

“Move Spock.”

Spock buried his face at the crook of Jim’s neck and breathed him in. “Give me a second.”

Jim grunted and moved his hands to grasp at Spock’ shoulders. He moved his hips in small thrusts to entice Spock, but his husband’s big palms stilled his movement.

“God-.. Jim, give me a moment!” He barked.

Jim mewled in displeasure but relented. He nuzzled at Spock’ jawline and slid his hands under Spock’ dress shirt to draw soothing circles on Spock’ back. He could feel Spock’ manhood throbbing inside of him and it was glorious. He planted little kiss at every bit of Spock’ skin that he could reach.

With a great shuddering breath, Spock finally started to move slowly. Jim clutched at Spock desperately when he felt the painful but delicious drag of Spock’ cock along his inner walls. He breathed through everything, trying to lessen the burn. Spock’ pace stuttered and he almost came to a halt but Jim wouldn’t have any of that. The younger man wrapped his legs around Spock’ waist and pushed Spock deeper inside of him using his heels.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t you fucking dare to stop.” He rasped.

And at that moment Spock would give anything Jim asked of him. So throwing caution to the wind, he started to into Jim shallowly. Jim’s little ah-ah-ah spurred him on and his thrust picked up force.

Spock couldn’t deny that being inside of Jim was one of the best feelings in the world. Soon, the pleasure crept back along his spine and burned him from the inside. His steadily thrust turned into a pounding. It was all too much, too good, too perfect and Spock felt the first tingling of orgasm tickled his toes.

Spock groaned and slowed down a little, he grabbed Jim’s thigh and hooked them over his shoulder, making the younger man almost folded over in half. Spock tried to aim for that one spot and when a particular thrust made Jim _howled,_ Spock smirked and maintained the angle.

Jim was reduced to a blubbering mess of tears and drool as Spock repeatedly hit his prostate. The pain was long forgotten and all Jim could think about was how good it felt, how right. He wanted more, wanted it harder, wanted Spock deeper. And he had said all those aloud, pleading words fell from his slack mouth as his hands grabbed and clutched and clawed at Spock’ back.

Spock gripped Jim’s hips hard enough to bruise as his thrust became violent. His pistoned in and out of Jim’s hole, giving the man beneath him as much as pleasure as he was taking. The sound of skin slapping against skin combined with Jim’s mewls of ‘more Spock, - more’ were the only sounds in the room. Jim wanted more and by Gods, Spock would give him more.

Jim screamed in pleasure at the brutal assault. He felt the liquid heat pooled in his stomach, felt himself danced along the precipice. It was _perfect._ But then it got even better.

Spock had moved one hand to grip at Jim’s leaking erection. He pumped it in time with his thrust . It didn’t take long before Jim finally stumbled over the edge and with a hoarse cry he spilled himself all over Spock’ hand and his own chest. Spock kept pumping the sensitive flesh and Jim had to grab his hand to make the older man stop.

The orgasm made Jim’s inner walls clamped down on Spock’ hardness and it was proofed to be too much. Several moments later, Spock came inside of Jim with a cry of his own. He thrust a couple more time, milking himself dry and trying to make the lasted longer before he finally ceased all movements and just slumped forward on top of Jim.

He could feel the ickiness of their sweat combined with Jim’s spunk, smeared their chests, but he was too blissed out to care. He nuzzled Jim’s jawline and sucked hickeys into the pale skin of his neck. Jim groaned and his thighs quivered. Gently, Spock lowered Jim’s legs from his shoulder and rested the long legs on the sofa.

They stayed silent as they came down from the high, the blonde’s hands were lazily stroking the small hair on Spock’ nape and the older hummed contentedly. Spock could feel the shirt sticking to his sweaty back and the band of his boxer started to dug into his flesh.

“I ruined your shirt again.” Jim whispered to him.

Spock snorted but he couldn’t care less about the Balenciaga shirt. He still had plenty on his closet. Slowly he rose up and he winced when his knees protested. He leaned down to give Jim one last peck on his swollen lips and started to pull out.

Jim moaned in a mixture of pain and disappointment as Spock withdrew. He shivered and clenched his walls, trying to keep Spock inside. Then he heard Spock’ gasp.

“Jim, you... you are bleeding.” The older man looked so pale and stricken. His eyes widened in horror as he stared at the red tinged cum trickling out of the puffy and swollen rim.

Jim winced and now that the euphoria had shimmered down, he could clearly felt the throbbing pain on his lower part.

Spock quickly pulled up his boxer and pants, uncaring about the mess he made and went to grab some wet towel from the guest bathroom. When he returned, he cleaned up Jim as best as he could, being extra gentle when he dab at the skin around Jim’s entrance.

Once done, he carried Jim to the bedroom bridal style. Jim’s brows furrowed in suppressed pain and Spock couldn’t help but kept muttering apologies.

“I'm calling Leonard.” He said after he tucked Jim into their bed, making sure that the other was comfortable.

The younger man caught his wrist before he could move away and pulled him down for a kiss.

“Don’t blame yourself for this. I asked for it. I wanted this.” He whispered against Spock’ lips as they parted.

Spock still looked torn and he was about to protest when Jim kissed him again, harder this time.

“Don’t blame yourself. I need  this” He iterated and gave a stern glare to his husband to get his point across.

Spock sighed but his slumped shoulders told Jim that he wouldn’t argue anymore. Spock straightened up and went to the living room in search for his phone. He wandered back to the bedroom, talking to their personal doctor. He stopped to look at Jim before he went to the bathroom.

Jim could hear him rummaged around and when Spock emerged, he had a glass of water and a bottle of painkillers in his hands, phone cradled between his ear and neck. He placed the items on their bedside table and with a soft 'thank you', ended the call.

“Leonard will be here soon.” He said as he sat at the edge of the bed and uncapped the bottle, taking out two pills.

Jim downed them without much protest. The pain had subsided to a dull throb, but the worried etched across Spock features made him pliant to Spock’ ministrations. He closed his eyes and sighed contentedly as Spock’ brushed his bangs and caressed his cheek.

“I missed you.” Jim whispered.

Spock’ hand stilled for a second before he returned to running his fingers through Jim’s hair.

“I missed you too.” He replied. Then he leaned down and kissed the tip of Jim’s nose.”I love you.”

Jim’s smile bloomed into his signature beautiful grin which Spock adored so much. “I love you too.”

They stayed together like that for a wihle, forehead touching and sharing the same breath. Then Spock remembered about the messy state of the living room. He groaned and stood up.

“I need to clean up before Leonard gets here.” He said when Jim mewled in protest.

Jim pouted but let him go.

Back in the living room, Spock whipped out the leather cleaner and proceeded to clean the sofa. He gathered all their discarded clothes, his fingers trembled for a moment as he picked up the packet from the floor, but he’d be damned if he made another mistake.

Squaring his shoulder, he marched back to the bedroom and deposited the dirty laundry inside the hamper and threw the small square into the trash bin. He undid his cuff and undressed before jumping in the shower for a quick wash.

He was done and dressed in 5 minutes, just in time for Leonard’s arrival. He fidgeted beside the bed as Leonard gave a red faced Jim an examination. When he was done, Spock was reminded again of why Leonard was his personal doctor and best friend.

Leonard didn’t make any comment about the tearing. He only left some medications and carefully instructed Spock on how to apply the salve. He gave a reassuring pat to Jim’s back and left the room with one last warning of ‘taking it slow the next time’ to Spock. Spock blushed beet red and he thanked his lucky stars that Leonard had spoken outside their bedroom. He was pretty sure there wouldn’t ever be a ‘next time’ for the wild and rough sex.

Later that night, when they were both safe under the blanket, Jim gasped and bolted up. Then he cried out in pain and fell back down on the bed. Spock was alarmed as he helped Jim to get comfortable.

“Jim... what? Are you in pain?” He asked worriedly.

Jim shook his head even as his face twisted in a disbelieving frown.

“I just remembered. The condom ; I got it from the supermarket. It was a promotional sample. It was a God damn fucking free promotional sample!” He rushed out.

“Oh…” Was all Spock could say.

“I already threw it away.” Spock continued.

Jim hummed and took Spock’ hands in his. He played with the long fingers before he brought the hands to his face and kissed the palms.

“That part of our life is over. Tomorrow is a new day.” Jim said.

Spock heartily agreed. “Yes. Tomorrow is our new beginning.” He assured the younger man.

Jim looked up at him then, eyes so full with emotions, fear, hope, regret and thousands other things he couldn’t put into words, but the most prominent one was love.  Spock felt a hand squeezed at his heart. This man who he held in his arms, this man he called his. This was the man he vowed to love and cherish for eternity.

He suddenly recalled the younger man from their wedding day, clad in white tuxedo with his golden blonde hair swept up. He recalled hearing the ‘I do’ left the pink full mouth in deep voice. He remembered kissing those lips with his own, remembered that they tasted of cherries, of strawberries, of sunlight and warm day under a blue sky, of home. He remembered stars were dancing in those big blue eyes as they swayed together on the dance floor. He remembered their first time making love as husbands, how Jim opened up and bloomed for him.

Overwhelmed by the nostalgia, Spock moaned and kissed Jim. He kissed him fervently, conveying all the love and adoration he held for Jim. He kissed him insistently, conveying all his regret and apology.

Jim seemed to understand, because he pulled Spock closer, kissed him back a little fiercer. He conveyed his own love and adoration, his own regret and apology. Somewhere along the kiss, their feelings were connected and their hearts were bridged. Somewhere along the kiss, they understood each other better.

They parted and both panted for air. Eyes closed as their lips tingled. A blanket of silence lay on top of their curling bodies and Jim decided to draw the final curtain.

“I paid everything. With tears and blood. I paid for everything. We’re even.” Jim whispered.

Spock trembled at his words. He kissed Jim again, softer this time. “You did, you did. We are even.” Spock said against his lips.

He wanted to say more, wanted to say that he was the one who owed a lot to Jim, but the past was best left in the past. It’s nearing midnight and he just wanted their new day and their new beginning. He squeezed Jim’s arms and held him closer.

“Sleep now. We will have our tomorrow when we wake up.”

Jim snuggled closer to Spock, his arms wrapped tightly around Spock’ torso.

“I love you.” Spock sighed. “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Jim mumbled. “Hmm, that was a whole lot of ‘I love you’.”

“I’m making up for lost time.” Spock mumbled back before he whispered more ‘I love you’ into Jim’s hair.

Jim smiled and mumbled a single ‘I love you too’ into Spock’ skin. He fell asleep amidst Spock’ seemingly endless litany of ‘I love you, I’m sorry, I love you’; his heart and mind were finally at peace.

They were finally at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. That's the end. There is actually an epilogue from the original work.. But still I don't know either to post it or not. Hmm.


	5. Epilogue

Jim woke up to the sound of tinkling glass and the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. He smiled as he pulled the duvet down and stretched out. He opened his eyes just in time to see Spock carrying a breakfast tray inside the room.

 

“Morning Beautiful.” Spock said as he walked over.

Jim hummed and sat up. He tilted his head up to receive his morning kisses, mindful of the tray between them. Jim kicked the duvet away and scooted to center of the bed. Spock set the tray across Jim’s lap and sat at the edge of the bed.

Jim noted that Spock was already fully dressed in the dark grey suit Jim prepared for him the night before.

“Early start?” Jim asked as he picked up the toast and started munching.

“Hmm. I've arranged for a guide to take you around town. We can meet up for lunch and do whatever you want afterward. I am free all afternoon.” Spock answered as he brushed a stray crumb at the corner of Jim’s lips.

“Sounds good. I think I’m going to check out the local restaurants, see what good food they have.”

“Very well.” Spock kissed the side of his temple before checking his watch and sighed.

“I have to go now. Call me if anything happens okay.” He stood up reluctantly, obviously unwilling to leave Jim.

“I’ll be fine. Go on. You don’t want to be late for your meeting.” Jim smiled and shooed him away.

Spock kissed him one more time before he walked backward out of the room.

“I shall see you at lunch. And I will miss you terribly. I love you.”

Jim laughed and waved at his husband. “I love you too.” He called out.

Spock exited the room but several seconds later he peeked in from the door and shyly trying to made a heart sign with his fingers.

“I love you, ti amo, je t’aime, my lovely James.” He said in soft rapidly succession, smiling at the end of his love confession and disappeared from view..

Jim laughed harder. “Oh my god. You big ball of cheese!” He hollered.

Then his face broke into his patented stupid grin. “I love you too Husband of mine.” He said softly to the room.

Jim felt a pleasant shiver ran up his spine and he continued his breakfast in a good mood.

They were currently travelling across Europe although not exactly on a vacation. Spock was meeting up with potential investors and partners from several European countries. He took Jim along, not wanting to be apart from the younger man for too long.

Spock usually had morning meetings. Then he’d have lunch with Jim. Sometimes he had afternoon meetings too, sometimes he had a dinner party he needed to attend.

During the mornings, Jim would go sightseeing. Then he’d meet up with Spock for lunch. In the afternoons where Spock had meetings, he would stay in their hotel room, watching cooking shows on the TV or curling up on the bed with a book. In the afternoons where Spock was free, they would go out and explore the city together, visiting famous tourist spot and taking tons of silly pictures. In the nights where Spock had dinner party, Jim would accompany him. He never really got over the swell of pride in his chest whenever Spock introduced him as ‘my dearest husband, James Grayson.’

Sometimes Spock’ schedule was packed from morning to evening and they could only sneak in a rushed lunch before Spock had to go to another meeting. But when he was home, Spock would take Jim in his arms and just hold him through the night. Sometimes they made love, sweet and slow. Sometimes they just talked about their day. Sometimes they stayed in comfortable silence, legs tangled, breath mingling, lips meeting in soft kisses again and again while fingers running gently across skin.

They were finally comfortable and happy beyond imagination.

Spock was still busy, even more so than before because of his business expansion, but Jim had matured enough to make the best out of every situation. He learned how to compromise and met Spock halfway. He spent enough time at Spock’ office to realize that as a businessman, Spock had big responsibilities, both to the shareholders and to his employees. He was solely responsible for the welfare of the hundreds men and women who worked for him. It gave him a new perspective and another level of respect for his husband. Jim then vowed to help his husband in any way he could.

He didn’t know much about the business world, but he can be the warm home Spock came back to, he could be the shoulder for Spock to lean on when things got rough, he could be Spock’ best friend, confidante, lover. He could be anything Spock wanted him to be, and it was very easy to do, because all Spock wanted was for Jim to be himself.

For his part, Spock knew where to draw the line between work and personal life. When he was with Jim, he gave all of his attention to his husband, going as far as turning his phone off and left all business related matters to his legion of staffs. Spock finally relinquished some control and delegated his more mundane workloads to other people. It gave him more time to focus on the more important part of his life _and_ the most important person in his life. Jim.

Sometimes when he was alone, Jim couldn’t help but thought about how far they had come. They still had small disagreements here and there, but a time out and a heart to heart later, everything was resolved nicely. They both learned to listen and speak with their heart. They were honest and respectful to each other. They knew when to hold back, knew when to give in, knew when to take and when to give.

Their life wasn’t always sunshine and clear blue sky, but when it rained, they were each other’s umbrella.

Their love wasn’t a series of explosives fireworks like before. It had mellowed out into something akin to a warm hearth during winter nights, a cool breeze in the summer. Their love was constantly changing, growing, evolving into something better.

Their love was never ending.

 

*****

 

After almost a month of traipsing across Europe, it was time for them to go back to San Francisco. Jim loved the travel, but nothing could ever beat the taste of home.

They decided to move out of the penthouse, there were too many bad memories there. They relocated to one of Spock’ many properties scattered all over the city. They forewent the apartment because Jim wanted a house. Spock suggested a studio house near the center of the city, but Jim immediately fell in love with a two storey house with both front yard _and_  backyard. It had gable roof, a gazebo and a small flower garden with nice white birdbath in the center. Jim could see himself spending time in the garden or just lounging around in the gazebo.

But what Jim really loved about the house was the big open kitchen and the claw foot bathtub in the master bathroom.

The first night they spent at the house, Jim ended up riding Spock inside the bathtub. The water splashed around them as Jim slowly moved up and down, lips red and swollen, eyes closed in concentration, head thrown back in pleasure. Spock was feasting on the pale neck presented before him, leaving butterfly kisses and red love bites across the elegant column.

They took another shower after their failed bath but Jim was insatiable and Spock ended up pounding into him from behind as Jim braced himself against the tiled wall.

When they finally _finally_ made it out of the bathroom and stumbled into the giant canopied bed, Spock was sure his knees were about fall off. But Jim being Jim managed to wring out one last from his tired husband. They didn’t make any mess because Jim happily swallowed. Spock was too tired to move and he apologized to Jim, promising to make it up to Jim in the morning. Jim kissed him hard and deep, letting Spock tasted himself on Jim’s tongue.

The blonde woke up with a moan and his cock inside Spock’ mouth.

 

*****

 

They said true love never run smooth. Jim had to agree.

But he also believed that true love triumph all.

His and Spock’ story was the proof.

They had a rough patch. They were broken, almost beyond repair. They hurt and they cried and they bleed.

In the end, they stayed together, all because they loved each other.

Jim felt Spock’ heartbeat against his back, felt the warm arm around his waist. He smiled and scooted back, pressing himself against Spock. His husband stirred his sleep and tightened his hold on Jim.

“I love you.” Jim whispered.

“I love you too. Now go back to sleep.” Spock mumbled sleepily.

Jim smiled, this time soft and serene. He closed his eyes and basked in Spock’ warmth. He was content, he was happy. He loved Spock and he was loved by Spock.

In love, forever they would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Its done. Put me long enough to post this chap. And yeah. I will only post this story until this part. Just because. 
> 
> And lastly but the best part. I really really thank you for the real author of this story. Really. It such a great story and just such a waste if it stay behind. So I'm asking the author to let me post their story here. But with different chara. And then, Bam!
> 
> Okay. I simply hope you guys will like this story and then loving the real author for their works. Byeee~


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